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[ITGIRL07]

I'm 19.  My TA is 23.  He's a fabulous teacher and a really great guy.  I think I'm falling in love with him and I know I shouldn't.  How do I get him out of my head?

[ian]

Why do you think you shouldn't? 

I mean as long as he doesn't have a girlfriend I don't see a problem.  19 and 23 isn't a huge age difference.

(by the way, I moved this topic to the Relationships & Dating forum)

[ITGIRL07]

I know that the age difference is small.  He doesn't have a girlfriend either.  It's the whole student/teacher taboo that bothers me.  Plus, as a girl in a male dominated field I don't want to have the whole "sleeps her way to the top" idea floating around because I'm not that kind of girl.

[ian]

Well it is November and the semester is almost over.  You could keep it casual with him until you're done with his class.  Then you can begin hanging out or dating without having that stigma attached to you.

I am a bit confused about your statement on sleeping your way to the top.  Are you saying this because you don't want people to think you got a good grade because you're dating, or because you want to enter the same field that he is in?

[ITGIRL07]

I was referring to my grade in the class.  I'm actually doing quite well because I've spent so much time going to his office hours for extra help and I don't want people to think that anything else has been going on because it truly hasn't.

[ian]

Well people will speculate regardless so I think you should be prepared for that.  Also, do you think you will ever have any future classes with him?

I would say just continue what you are doing and get a good grade in the class.   Once the class is almost over tell him how you feel.  He may avoid dating you because the administration/faculty frown upon it, or he may not care.

Do you think the feelings are mutual?

[ITGIRL07]

No, I don't think I'll ever have a class with him again; this is the only class he's ever taught (though he has taught it multiple times over the past 2 years) and he'll graduate and disappear in the spring.

As to whether the feeling is mutual...I don't know.  He puts up with having to help me surprisingly well, which is part of his job (so I don't know if he's nice because he has to be or if he wants to be).  He has helped me out with stuff for other classes when I've had issues understanding other TAs and profs, but he might just be a great guy.  It isn't really clear and that makes me hesitant because I don't want to burden him with a declaration of love if he really hates me but manages to hide it well.

[ian]

I think then that you should take it slow.  If you go to his office for class related questions, he isn't going to know that you like him.  He also has no reason not to be friendly and helpful.  Perhaps start off by talking to him about general things like what he did this past weekend, if he's planning on going skiing this winter, whatever.  Basically anything that isn't related to school and is on a more personal level.  Also see if he wants to go get a coffee at the school cafeteria/snack bar.  By doing things like that it'll drop a hint to him, and probably also help you gauge his interest level.

[ITGIRL07]

Won't dropping hints make classes awkward?  Do you know of any situations like this that have worked out all right or do you know of situations like this that have gone terribly wrong?  If he isn't interested, is there a way to back off while saving face or will it just turn out to be a mess?

[ian]

Well thats why you should wait till the semester comes closer to the end.  That way in case it doesn't work out, or you feel awkward you won't be stuck going to his class and being uncomfortable.

I personally don't know of an instance where this has occurred before, but I think you may be over thinking this too much.  As I said first just feel it out and see if you can gauge his interest level.  Theres nothing wrong with having general conversation about hobbies or what you like to do, or getting coffee at the cafeteria.  This is just a friendly thing to do and it gets you away from the teacher/student environment.  I think you're worried that he will automatically think you want to go out with him just because you are talking to him about non school related topics.  Doing this just shows you do have an interest in him and not just the courses subject matter.  I'm sure right now he just thinks you go to see him because you are having questions in the class.  If he's uncomfortable or thinks its inappropriate you'll probably be able to tell.

By the way, what class does he teach?

[ITGIRL07]

He teaches calc 2 (integrations, vectors, infinite series, and Taylor polynomials).

I think you're right about going slow and I am thinking about it too much.  I always overthink and worry about things.  My TA is always telling me not to "freak out" when every little thing doesn't go right the first time (like when I mess up an equation or whatever).

[ian]

Well it sounds like he knows your personality a bit, and math is a dry subject so hopefully you two can spark up a coversation pretty easily about your interests, hobbies, etc.

Thats just my opinion    I'm sure other people on here may have some better advice. 

Be sure to keep us posted on what happens.

[Chris]

I agree with Ian that you should definitely drop some kind of hint but it would be wiser to wait until the end of the semester because if things happen now basically you either get stuck with a stigma or you end up feeling awkward around him which could even hurt your grade in the class. I personally know of one person that went out with their TA. It was going fine at first but towards the end the guy wanted out but wasn't able to do so until the semester was over for fear of the TA giving him a bad grade. If you wait until the semester is over before anything serious happens you can easily avoid all the drama and see if your feelings still hold true in a more intimate setting.

[ITGIRL07]

You guys are both right about waiting for the semester to end.  Once the semester is over, though, how would I approach him without seeming weird?  I have no idea what his schedule would be like and I'm not sure how I would find out without coming off like some sort of stalker.  I go to a large school, so it's not as if I could just "randomly" bump in to him either; I'm just not sure what to do.

[ian]

I wouldn't wait until the semester is over, but I would wait until there is about a week or two left.  The reason i say this is so you have a class related excuse to stop by his office.  Perhaps ask him something simple like if he just wouldn't mind going over an easy calculation just so you know what you're doing.  You could also ask him about things for final, like review or whatever.  Then when you are in his office, you can begin to slowly ask him about his interests, hobbies, etc.  Just general (not class related) talk.  Perhaps even ask him to get that coffee after he helps you with some of his problems.  I think this is something you need to slowly move into, this way you don't come on too strong, and it also allows you to feel the situation out.  Maybe general talk the first few days, then a coffee, then perhaps ask if he wants to go to a nonacademic related function with you.